Friday, August 19, 2005

A Not-So-Happy Master

Sids can be utterly unfair sometimes. As soon as I got on the ship, he took away my handheld blogging device and tried to sever my limbs. I mean, it's not my fault that the hippie-man decided to run away. 'Sides..I didn't feel like chasing them. We're all headed to Naboo soon anyway, so I'll get my chance there.

So his list of grievances against me are as follows:

  • Failing to exterminate the hippie-clan
  • Not saving him any oreos
  • Keeping the nerds
  • Losing the kid
Nothing that horrendous.

Alright, so maybe I slipped a few poisonous millipedes into his sleeping chambers a few nights ago...but that was just a Master-Apprentice prank! No biggie, right?

Well, anyway, I didn't manage to hide Thamuel and Merlin all too well from Darth Sidious. I had them stuffed in the ship's cargo hold, and I forgot about them for awhile. It wasn't until Sids randomly decided to empty the cargo into the outer-reaches of space that I remembered where they were. He said something about illegal substances and brownies or something.. How sad it was to watch them implode from all the pressure outside of the safety of the ship. Hmp. Looks like I won't be having anymore lightsaber upgrades.

Speaking of which, he didn't too much like the rock opera station that my lightsaber was playing; so all-in-all, he pretty much hated me when I got back from Tatooine. But it's all good. This is the relationship of a Sith Lord and his Apprentice.

....Maybe I'll steal some oreos for him when we get to Naboo. That might be awhile, though. We're taking the long route.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Almost had them...

Cowards.

I arrived at their ship just as the hippie crew did. I must admit, I made a very awesome entrance. They didn't seem to notice, though. Jedi just don't appreciate the beauty of an evil entance, you know?

Well, apparently, they had decided to keep sissy-boy. Qui-Gon Jinn(at least, I think that was his name) was going to train him to be a Jedi. He got to the kid first. I made a mental note to take him with me after I had finished slaughtering his friends.

Unfortunately, as soon as I arrived, Qui-Gon sent his mini-Jedi and the kid back to the ship to prepare to leave. No biggie, I though. I''d behead this guy, and then go "join" the rest of them. It wasn't quite as easy as I thought.

Once I activated my newly-adjusted lightsaber, we fought. I clearly had the upper hand, seeing as I had rock opera music blaring from my twin-sided lightsaber. Those nerds actually did a good job at it. Not that I'm complimenting them or anything. I'm a Sith. Sith don't compliment people.

So anyways, the hippie was pretty skillful, for an old guy. I admit I had some difficulty keeping my footing as we battled--of course, that's because I wasn't quite used to my lightsaber, having to sides. I managed to adjust alright, though. I could have sworn he tried to trip me. A bit low for a Jedi, if you ask me.

Well, after we had been slicing as each other for a few minutes, the hippie ship began to take off, so my foe ran to jump aboard. I should have known he wouldn't have stayed for long. Coward. They flew off with their tails tucked between their legs, clearly shaken by my mad skills.

Oh well. They must have been surprised, though. I'll bet they weren't expecting a Sith to be so handsome. I know their queen gave me an eye. I'll be sure to make some time for here the next time Sids has me attack.

So now I have to go back to The Infiltrator. I don't think Sids will be too happy about my new pets, so I may have to bake them or something. I'll figure that out when I get back.

I hope I get to kill something on my next assignment.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Lucky Pod

Beginner's luck.

In fact, it's not even beginner's luck. Sissy's luck. Yeah...that's what we'll call it.

So the kid won the podrace. Psh. Big deal. I could have won that thing with three babes squished in there with me, not to mention being blindfolded. With one hand, too. In fact, I could have won the Boonta Eve Classic If I had to fly backwards the entire way(of course, with one hand, three babes squished in the pod, and blindfolded). I'd like to see Skywalker beat that.

He didn't start off too hot. That plastic thing he called a podracer had stalled. Clearly, the brat had no idea what he was doing. Pathetic. He even started jiggling random switches(which were only there for interior decoration, mind you) to make it look like he was doing something productive while he was just sitting there. It finally started to move when he began banging his head against the steering gears. Like I said; sissy luck.

It took him awhile to catch up with Sebulba. I like that guy. He's mean, and he shows no mercy, you know? Not to mention, he plays dirty.

If it weren't for little Skywalker running into Sebulba, the Dug would have won. The brat's wreckless driving tangled the their pods, and once they finally were freed of each other, Sebulba met an unfortunate end.

It was by pure luck that that little idiot won. Even the nerds analyzed the situation, and they declared that there should have been no possible way Skywalker should have won.

No matter. The probe droids brought back the info on where their ship was parked. That means it's slaughter time. By the time the hippie crew reaches the ship, I'll be there to meet them.

Finally, I get to slaughter some Jedi scum!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Halfway Rebuilt

Looks like I'll be here for awhile. Sids says I have to wait until hippie man and the queen are away from Mos Espa before slaughtering them. Either that, or find out where their ship is landed and start my seige there. Apparently, he doesn't want to draw too much attention to me yet. Lame. Maybe I shouldn't have left that burning carcass pile outside...

No biggie, though. I sent the one of the probe droids to find their ship, and the other to keep an eye on the activity in Mos Espa--mainly the podrace, which is supposed to begin on Monday. So while I sit back and wait on the probes to do the hard stuff for me, I get to watch the nerds do whatever they do. It's actually quite funny to watch them argue.

"That'sthnot thupposthed to go there!" hairy lisp man would yell as the fat one would try to help in rewiring my lightsaber.

"Yes it is. I can prove it! You see, it won't accept radio signals if the green wire crosses between the red and blue, when the red is intertwined with the black and purple, which should go underneath the blue. I can't believe you missed something so simple!"

"Yesth, but after I put thisth continueuam transthfuncthioner, it completely cantheled out the effectsth of the current wiring--that ith, consthidering that I firstht replathed the wiresth with entirely new onesth.."

"Oh, I see! I'm sorry...I'm letting work get in between our friendship. Let's never fight again!"

"No, it wasth my fault! Don't apologizthe!"

"No, it was my fault, you booger!"

"No, it wasth my fault!"

"Not so. I can prove it!"

As you can see, they make...entertaining...pets. Oh, and check this--they have names. I had no idea nerds actually had names. The hairy lisp guy calls himself Thamuel, and the fat one is Merlin. Lame.

Anyway, Thamuel came to me this afternoon with my lightsaber, saying that he had finished altering it. Of course, I was anxious to take it for a test drive. I hadn't touched the thing in an entire day, and as Sids would tell you, I can't live without my precious lightsaber. Well, there was nothing to kill it with, so I volunteered Larry's arm as my test subject. When I activated my lightsaber, the result was nothing less than outrageous. It wasn't playing my favorite rock opera station. The saber's beam had sprouted out of the both sides rather than one side, as it normally would.

Lame!!!

I didn't ask for a double-edged lightsaber. I wanted the blasted thing to play my rock opera station so I could kill stuff with backround music...and when I want something, I get it. No if's, and's, or but's included in that package.

Those two idiots have got to be the luckiest nerds barely-alive. I nearly skewered them senseless right then and there, but if I had done so, they wouldn't have been able to fix my lightsaber for me. So I told them I'd give them one more chance to get it right...And to leave it double-edged. It actually looked kinda cool.

I've been out here far too long. I need to kill something.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Attack of the Nerds

The kid's gonna race in the Boonta Eve Classic. If those Jedi are stupid enough to enter sissy-boy into a podracing competition, it's their own problem if they lose him. I wouldn't be surprised if he ran into a wall or something. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if by some slight chance he won. He's about as sharp as a watermelon, but it looks like he knows what he's doing when it comes to driving. The only thing they'd need to worry about is his competition. And the course. And his podracer breaking down or something. And not finishing the race. Other than that stuff, he may actually stand a chance.

So seeing as I would be there awhile, I decided to pass the time by slaughtering anything I happened to come in contact with out there in nowheresville...but that got boring after awhile, so I piled up the bodies, lit them afire, and went back to the ship to rest. In my carcass pile, I'd acquired a few sand people, a massiff, two jawas, a dewback, some old guy, three eopies, another Jawa with a ronto, an oreo-dealer, and way too many scurriers. Master would be pleased.

I slept quite restlessly, having nightmares of a faceless Jedi, hacking my body in half. Not like that would ever happen...but the dream kept repeating itself over and over again. I must have had one too many oreos beforehand.

Soon, the dream trasitioned into me being stabbed by the same faceless Jedi. Somewhat of an improvement...but the painful stabbing slowly began to feel more like poking. I then awoke to find myself being prodded at by two humans. Not just any humans. Nerds. One was a rather hefty, vertically challenged man. He lacked hair, and he had spectacles that must have been as thick as that soup stuff Sids makes me drink every now and then(it's supposed to bring out my anger and hatred and junk.). The other was quite the opposite. He had a very noticable lisp, and I probably could have used him for a toothpick. A hairy toothpick.

Anyways, the fat one was leaning over me, poking me. Poking. Constantly poking. Apparently, the burning carcass pile outside had attracted them, and they had to check out my "intergalactic thstarthship". The fat one thought I was dead, so he and hairy lisp boy had to see what was wrong. I cringed in annoyance. I was ready to thlice them into pieces...I mean, slice them into pieces. Unfortunately, the hairy nerd had found my lightsaber and was pretending to be a Jedi. How practical.

I would have choked the nerds to death by way of the dark side of the force, but they made reasonable pleas for their lives. The hairy one said he could rewire my lightsaber to recieve radio signals(meaning I could listen to my favorite rock opera channel while killing things), and the fat one said he would stop poking me and start worshipping me. Fair enough. I decided to keep them. As long as Sids doesn't find out, I think they'd make quality pets. Pets who amplify my stuff.

I can't wait to test my lightsaber out on those Jedi...

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Back to Tatooine

I swear Sids wastes far too much of my valuable time making me go back and forth--time that could be spent reading Sports Illustrated: Twi'lek Edition. As soon as I entered his room of evil gloating, he told me to go back to Tatooine. Apparently, some Jedi had landed there...and the queen of Naboo was with them. Goodie. This means I finally get to slaughter some sorry hides. Not to mention see Queen Amidala. I hear she's pretty hot.

So I re-land out in the middle of no-where to keep an eye on the Jedi, only this time, I don't have to take the landspeeder out. Sids gave me these awesome Sith probe droids. I send 'em out, they bring me back information, footage, and pictures--such as the following:










They took this inside the Jedi's ship. I gotta say, those probe droids are definitely worth all those mechanics we went through that failed in building them until the newer ones got it right.

Well, as the force would have it, one of our little Jedi friends, as well as the Queen's handmaiden have decided to bunk with the same kid I had been sent to watch. The handmaiden looks too much like the queen, if you ask me.

Back to the brat. The Jedi Master of the party believes he's "special" as well. Apparently, his midi-chlorian count is pretty much countless. Maybe there's more to this sissy-boy than meets the eye. When I become a fully-alleged Sith Lord, I may take him on as my own apprentice. Sids better not plan on replacing me any time soon. I have a rep I need to make first.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Waste of Blonde Hair

When I was told I would be Darth Sidious's apprentice, I didn't imagine myself to be sitting around observing some kid. Nope. I had more of a mental image of me relieving countless pathetic beings of their head. Not to mention a bunch of ladies admiring my crazy awesome dark side skills--if not by their own free will, I'd force them to. Unfortunately, I'm not quite there yet. I'm still scrubbing Sidious's private port-a-poo.

Anyways, as I was browsing through the kid's stuff while he was off being a slave, I found a poster for a production that apparently, he starred in.



















What a waste of blonde hair. I don't know why Sids is trashing my time on this sissy boy.

Luckily for me, Sids has called me back to his Sith Infiltrator to report on the kid's doings so he could analyze what a powerful ally the brat could be. Psh. A poweful ally? A sissy-boy-nine-year-old? Honestly, I could just pee myself laughing at a proposition like that.

I hope my next mission is more worthwhile than this.